cheapbag214s
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 Posted: Mon 1:43, 02 Sep 2013 Post subject: Sweet Blasphemy |
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Sweet Blasphemy,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]
I got up a little before 3am this morning. I left my bed so silently that not even pets woke. I slipped out of my night clothes and into my typical attire: black, but inconspicuous,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], hooded,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], but not baggy, with sneakers that are casual and lightweight,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], but most importantly, quiet. I crept through the main hallway, and stood perfectly still until I could see through the darkness. It'd be hilarious if I was sure it wasn't somehow sad.
And they say people never change.
i got bored and took a personality test. and i didn't like the results. it said i had a high intellect but was disorganized, that i don't trust people and am therefore deceptive, and i was empathetic but indifferent to human suffering. i mean does that shit even make sense? it said i had a strong sense of morality but no respect for rules. i'm immodest but don't hold people to high standards. lol
i was the extreme on both sides of the spectrum on the traits that somehow were supposed to fit together, so i averaged out to normal,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], but obviously that's a calculation flaw. guess those things aren't designed with me in mind.
does that somehow imply that i have no idea who i am? i mean. I realize I haven't posted in ages. I haven't dared. I've been too afraid to find out just how much of myself I've lost. They say every hardship you endure just 'makes your skin that much thicker.' If that is true, is it possible to eventually smother everything that was once fragile and beautiful with toughness?
I wouldn't call this strength,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]. This is soullessness,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych].
I've gone cold to protect myself from sorrow,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], but I ended up shielded from any happiness as well. I literally feel dead inside. I'm lost. If anyone out there remembers who I am, please remind me. For fuck's sake,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], even remembering that I used to be cool feels like I'm stealing someone else's past. Jayduzzall fucking died. lol
You know,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], that irritating message displayed at the end of a long video game, when you almost refuse to believe that you spent all that time following a great story, only for it to end like this. This was my story.
Hopeless. Lost cause from birth who was too smart to miss what was happening around her, but dumb enough to hold onto hope and allow it continue on for so long. Beautiful. Talented. IQ off the charts. All gone to waste. All laid to rest.
This isn't a suicide note. This is an explaination. A reason left for anyone who cared enough to wonder why. But know this: if I do fail to return from this,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], my death will not be by my own hand. If I've learned nothing else from all of this,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], I've learned that life is a gift. It is a chance. A chance to prove yourself worthy of having it. and fewer still remember who we are. those of us that remain are naught but shadows of our former selves. like shells. we may seem familiar,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], but for the lack of life behind our eyes. soulless.
i've never found much use in placing blame. but someone must be held accountable for this travesty.
and we're mad as hell.
" The subject shows an astounding level of intelligence at an IQ of 154,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], and her sense of observation is one of her strongest qualities. Considering this, she shows a lot of potential,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], but that's only part of her mental makeup. What concerns us most about the subject is her cynical, violent,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], almost sinister attitude. While we almost find it amusing that the subject would rather kill something than suffer a minor inconvenience,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], it effectively destroys her ability to survive tight situations. Our study suggests there is a large chance the subject will end up in prison. The subject is brave, almost to a fault,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], and shows real strength in that department. Finally, the subject displayed a pathetic and useless sense of compassion,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], a nearly satanic lack of morality,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], and a arrogant and inflated self-confidence. The balance of these three traits is important; high levels of confidence, medium levels of morality, and a good level of humor make for the strongest individuals. The subject was not proven to be a strong individual by societal or statistical standards. "
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